still learning

friday was a really bad day for me. although it was most probably a great day for most of the A level pple in sch, yea,it was a really bad day for me. and it didn't help that it started raining so heavily. so it was a really dismal day. as usual i was thinking again about many things.

things i need to change about myself:
1) i need to really learn how to stop brooding over things
2) i need to learn how to trash and put everything aside during moments where i have to focus a lot
3) i need to learn how to not make empty promises to anyone, to myself
4) i need to stop pretending that every thing is going fine

i have tried really hard to keep in contact with all of you by sending random messages to you guys. well, i guess its my way of showing that i still remember you and i still treasure our friendship and hopefully that msg i send will keep you happy for the rest of the day. you have no idea how different it is here, you don't exactly have someone to hang out or crap so much with, feeling so comfortable with. and i am sorry that i am not able to meet up with you all as often. and it's almost like bursting your bubble when i cancel on a mtg or anything like that. i know i am the one who's always having smth on, always not being able to meet you all, always having church, always having classes (piano lessons, tuition etc.) , always not allowed.. but i still treasure every single one of you. and i am sorry for the sudden turn of events.

there's smth wrong with me, seriously. this week's just so bad. i've been upset at the simplest things. i've been frustrated for nth. things arnd me just not going right. and sometimes i just switch off. refusing to listen to all the voices arnd me. imagining myself in a vacuum, every day, every night.

have been thrown into all sorts of dilemmas. most likely i'll be switching class soon. changing to h2 econs. either that, i try to take KI. and the sole reason for wanting to take KI is because i don't want to fall into a situation where i got to re adapt to everything again. so sick of it. either that or i remain where i am, and when there are more intake of KI students, i get thrown into another class. either way, i will be leaving my current class. and it's really a pity. i have really nice and great teachers currently. sometimes i ask myself what's the point of holding on to things which you know don't last. so that you have wonderful memories to carry you through tough times? but these memories just hurts me more when you thk abt them and wish them back, it hurts when you compare to your current pathetic state.

5)i need to stop wallowing in self-pity. like what the hell am i trying to do when i think? what's the point of thking and thking? the problem goes away? far from it.

i try to identify the root of the whole problem. and back to the same thing, inferiority complex. do i really have inferiority complex? hmm, all along i thought i am a very confident person. i mean i can be strong in front of so many pple, but inside do i really feel confident of myself? or do i just degrade myself, put myself below everyone else, thking i am the worst. err, thk i need to be reminded of self-worth. and i know it is not measured by all these things but by his act of love. ''you are precious'' says God. "you are fantastic as always,''she says. so why am i still telling myself that i can't make it.

why do i even care what others think about me all the time?

it's all in the mind. and i got to stop being ''sort'' or ''ting tong''.

the inner turbulence just goes on and on. i need to get it all out.