internal conflict

yes, within myself.
i find it so hard to convince myself to do it.
like, here goes. i was selected to go for the VBC (virtual business challenge) by default. and, i don't really want to do it cause i have absolutely no interest.. and it is also not as if i am really free to play online games everyday, come up with strategies to stay in the game.. all sorts of funny things.
so, i so totally convinced myself to pon it. pon every single briefing, game session or whatsoever. i even broadcasted to the whole world tt i was going to pon it and i was proud of it.
but in my heart i knew tt i didnt dare to do so. either that or i realised tt it was going against my principles. like how it is just not me to pon. and i knew very well that since i can do nothing abt it,(since all my classmates refuse to sub me): i might as well make the best out of it, right? yes, and i know very well that that shld be the attitude.
on the other hand, i didnt want myself to succumb to circumstances but i wanted to manipulate myself out of this situation. i want to be like LINDO JONG!
seems impossible actually. cause in the end, there are consequences. and i am not prepared to face them.
and yes, i shld really trust god that i will get smth out of this. really.
so i spent half an hour or so, venting it out, sorting out within myself.. well, felt a bit better after that because i kept myself occupied with other thoughts, other plans, other things. aww, some ppl just makes you smile :)
yes, so, i know that i shld choose the right option. so whatever that is not right, OUT YOU GO OF MY MIND. shutup and don't ever creep into my mind unaware!
i bet the devil's using every single opportunity to mislead us, esp when we are tired. so well, i guess, if you're in that position, ask god to guard your heart and well give you the peace within yourself, wisdom and discernity to choose the right thing to do. many a times we know what is right to do but whether we do it in the end is another thing.
yes, so that's my encouragement to you. other than that..
last random statement: we can't afford to be complacent at all snchoir! until miss lim makes a hand gesture to cut the note of the last song on the 24th, you are still in the game, the competition! you know how much you want it and you know you can get it. so dont let your guard down! i believe in you! you can do it! so never take thigns for granted. and yes, no room at all for complacency friends! jiayou!! <3!

quick update

so, things have been going on fine. just get annoyed sometimes here and there when my schedule of everything, sch, choir and tuition keeps clashing with each other. then, i get really annoyed trying to fix everything. but all is well, at least for now.
i have learnt in these few days to treasure what god has given me, to be very thankful for every single moment. hmm, sometimes when we are really helpless and when there's really nth that we can do, we can only turn to Jesus for help.

the violin is a really nice instrument. (random)

had dinner with jeanette on tuesday. it was really great to do some catching up and just encouraging each other =)

well, i have been thinking alot abt stuff. tsk. i got to stop myself from harbouring any thoughts that are not right. please stop. seriously. damaging your brain ya? focus on the more important things please!

other than that, my dear friends, please hang on and let's all work hard for sch! nat! dont stress yourself! =))

zzz.

overwhelmed

i must say tt i am so overwhelmed by the amt of blessings that i have been receiving these days. seriously.
i got the subj combi i wanted. and the best part is tt i am still in the same class. ohwell. what can i say? god is good, all the time.

hmm, please don't start emo-ing my dear friends. i don't think you'll ever read this, but if you happen to do so, i just want to say that i'll be here for you, like all friends do. it's jsut worrying to see how upset you are. i know you can pull through this ya? you're a strong person!

walked arnd TM with sarah and xinyu this afternoon. ohman! seriously, it's one of our funnest outings. acting like bimbos, looking for nail poish, earrings, and smth nice which all four of us can buy. haha, in the end we didnt buy anything! and yes sarah, CENTURY SQ IS THE PLACE TO BE. aww. i miss all of you. the short mrt ride with nat, sarah and xinyu was so fun. talked abt many things. haha, we shld seriously have more of these outings.

<3!

whatever will be will be.

whatever happens, it is all in HIS hands.
sigh, i don't want to thk abt my subject combination and whether i will be able to take h2 econs, or whether i will still stay in my class or get to change class or whatsoever.
i just want to trust GOD that whatever it is, it is the best thing for me.
"sometimes, god doesn't give us what we want cause he can't bear to see us live through such painful experiences.''

so, i am just leaving it to him.

whatever it is, god, i know you still love me. even if the world looks differently at me, you still love me.
what will be will be.

when i was a little girl, i ask my mother what will i be,
will i be pretty? will i be sweet?
that's what she said to me
what will be will be..

the miracle is in your mouth

i am so amazed by GOD's goodness. haha, still rmb how i was praying for choir last night that we will sound ok today, and we sure did sound not bad. haha, had mr velasco's workshop today. gained a lot of new insights i guess. yep, interesting clinician. i guess i learn how to appreciate music in different forms.. and today i am reminded of the use of imagery and how it can really help you to learn faster int erms of music techniques and all. yea, i guess i classify myself as a visual person. learn better while seeing things. yes. a very jovial man i must say.

and i am quite happy tt the banner thing is more or less settled, tmr got to get the paint and paintbrushes.. and haha, we almost cldn't get the chalk, but i was like telling myself, somehow, we'll get it settled, cause god will help us. haha, and sure enough xian you found chalk from his boarding sch friends. yay! many simple and small stuff yet so significant. haha.

i guess when you pray and believe, you will receive. as simple as that. not saying tt you will get what you pray for everytime though. everything is in god's will and if it's for the best, god will answer your prayer. yep.

well, so, i just heard that gefang will be having concert in sch on the 27th may which is also our choir concert at the esplanade. haha, in comparison, our ticket will be more expensive and yea. it coincides with OCIP also. so i guess, i will be leaving this entire thing to god. even SYF. we will get that gold. we are almost there already, come on pple.

read a pretty gd book last time abt proclaiming in his name,truly believing and having faith in god. yep, the miracle is in your mouth. how you perceive god, is how you'll receive from him. the fact is that, when he blesses, he gives more than you can ask for. and he blesses not because of anything you do or whatsoever, but it's because of his grace.

not because of who i am
but because of what you've done
not because of what i've done
but because of who you are..

when all else fails

today i am reminded of an impt lesson.
when all else fails, the only thing you can do is to turn to god.
yes, suddenly had this random thought in my mind while combing amk for a shop that sells cloth, it was alr 8. yes, to no avail though. yea, even the shop uncle needs to slp and end work early ok?
and this thought was brought across even stronger when.. urgh. don't want to talk abt it. switching off. i find it rather helpful to blast music when you dont feel like hearing anything at all. ironic but ya, when you blast music, you practically hear nth except the music of course.
but it's a bad idea listening to OC. ya, the music is really very very nice, but quite emotional. yea, really nice music, but emotional.
but, i am definitely not emoing. hhaha, keeping my commitment not to do so.
oh my, i jsut went ''ahh!'' when a lack of colour by deathcab came on.

i love my new bimbotic ipod nano! and i love the oc soundtracks!

a special friend

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY NATALIE PUA KAI JING <3!

You are always special to me in everyway. have a great yr ahead! LOVE YA!

no title

cldnt thk of a heading for this post. well, thank you lovely 7 pple who bought tickets to the ntu concert! at least miss lim wasn't upset with the numbers or anything.

and, sn choir! congrats on the wonderful performance last night at the concert. you all did well. though i wasn't there, you know how proud i was when i heard from so many pple that you guys were great? and yes. i was really excited and somehow i started wishing i was there to hear the real thing and experience the music myself. but yes, this doesn't mean tt you pple can start being complacent and thk you all will sing tt well for syf ok? i'm sure through this performance, you all can already see your potential and know tt you all are capable of getting the results, so the challenge right now is to remain consistent and give your wonderful conductor the security when conducting you all. if you can achieve tt, you win. yes? remain focus all the way. i believe you all can do it. =)

and, rioHC.. we can do this. we just have to identify our problem. yes like miss lim said, there shld be no reason why we still cant get it when we are trying. bingzhu also said there must be some other underlying reason. we just have got to reflect and sort it out individually. yes, sometimes i really wonder what's my problem also. why am i so inconsistent and why only sometimes then i can produce the correct sound. sigh. looks like i need more practice so tt in future i can straight away get it. no time to lose i thk. must go find a partner to 'ah' at during break time. and my breathing! looks like i must start ''kaii's workout'' soon. 50 situps, 3 times a week. gambatte!

went for nat's band concert. rjc's band is really gd. not bad at all. the concert was kind of entertaining. and NAT! ZOMG! your solo was brilliant. made my heart melt. aww. di tanjong katong! =) you take care alright! and i shall see you very soon! stop ponning student development ok? be a guai kid!

that's all i guess.

GG

haha. in your opinion, what constitutes knowledge? that was the KI selection test question. cheeminology!
hmm, although i didn't get into KI, and i feel a little sad tt i am going to leave my class for another in term 2, i know tt this is part of god's plan for me. and ya, have more or less come to accept it already. trusting him.

well, gg! because.. i hate to disappoint pple but ya.. argh! someone please reply me with a positive answer!

hmm, see how. i shall go to slp now, pray abt it and have faith tt although it seems hopeless, there will be at least 10 pple who reply yes!

yes?
yes, that's what i shld do.

fantasizing

my dream is to live at the countryside. live in a nice mansion which is huge yet warm. and in the house there would be a fireplace and beside the fireplace there will be a nice huge beanbag where i can sit in. there would be this nice couch where i could lie on, to fall asleep while roasting chesnuts and marshmellows over the fire. outside the house, there would be a garden and a huge open field filled with flowers and grass which you can step on and feel good about it. there would be absolutely no mud, just carpet grass. in the middle of the field there would be a treehouse. the treehouse will be my secret hideout where i keep all my secret things . the field would be large enough for me to ride my horse. yes, there would be a shed beside my mansion. there would be a horse in it. a brown one with a long wavy white mane. and i would ride my horse whenever i want to.


such a carefree life isn't it? hello? come back to reality.
haha, now i understand why serene kept saying that she can't wait to get to heaven. hmm, heaven would be so much better than whatever i dreamt about.

dear god, help me go through this. i thk its a phase but i want to get over it now. lord, help me to be patient and know that everything is revealed in your time. help me to depend on you for courage and strength to get through each day. be it in sch, at choir, at home. help me to trust you. that's all i really need to do. to have faith and keep holding on to you. i want to get out of whatever i am in right now. i just want to leave everything to you. my subject combination, my new class perhaps, my new teachers, choir.. everything. help me to know what you really meant when you said "not by my will, but yours be done." amen.

father let me dedicate, all this life to thee
in WHATEVER WORDLY STATE, thou would have me be
not by sorrow, pain or care, freedom dare i claim
and whatever the future brings, glorify thy name.

can a child presume to choose, where or how to live
CAN A FATHER'S LOVE REFUSE, all the best to give
let my glad heart while it sings
thee in all proclaim
this alone shall be my prayer, glorify thy name.

i'll be fine. i know i will. just need to let everything out, let everything go to God. tmr will be a new day! and i will feel afresh the very minute i step into school. no more emo-ing and thking of all the negative stuff. i won't be 'sort'. i'll be strong because i am filled by the strength from the holy spirit. and it shall stay this way. i live in victory.

still learning

friday was a really bad day for me. although it was most probably a great day for most of the A level pple in sch, yea,it was a really bad day for me. and it didn't help that it started raining so heavily. so it was a really dismal day. as usual i was thinking again about many things.

things i need to change about myself:
1) i need to really learn how to stop brooding over things
2) i need to learn how to trash and put everything aside during moments where i have to focus a lot
3) i need to learn how to not make empty promises to anyone, to myself
4) i need to stop pretending that every thing is going fine

i have tried really hard to keep in contact with all of you by sending random messages to you guys. well, i guess its my way of showing that i still remember you and i still treasure our friendship and hopefully that msg i send will keep you happy for the rest of the day. you have no idea how different it is here, you don't exactly have someone to hang out or crap so much with, feeling so comfortable with. and i am sorry that i am not able to meet up with you all as often. and it's almost like bursting your bubble when i cancel on a mtg or anything like that. i know i am the one who's always having smth on, always not being able to meet you all, always having church, always having classes (piano lessons, tuition etc.) , always not allowed.. but i still treasure every single one of you. and i am sorry for the sudden turn of events.

there's smth wrong with me, seriously. this week's just so bad. i've been upset at the simplest things. i've been frustrated for nth. things arnd me just not going right. and sometimes i just switch off. refusing to listen to all the voices arnd me. imagining myself in a vacuum, every day, every night.

have been thrown into all sorts of dilemmas. most likely i'll be switching class soon. changing to h2 econs. either that, i try to take KI. and the sole reason for wanting to take KI is because i don't want to fall into a situation where i got to re adapt to everything again. so sick of it. either that or i remain where i am, and when there are more intake of KI students, i get thrown into another class. either way, i will be leaving my current class. and it's really a pity. i have really nice and great teachers currently. sometimes i ask myself what's the point of holding on to things which you know don't last. so that you have wonderful memories to carry you through tough times? but these memories just hurts me more when you thk abt them and wish them back, it hurts when you compare to your current pathetic state.

5)i need to stop wallowing in self-pity. like what the hell am i trying to do when i think? what's the point of thking and thking? the problem goes away? far from it.

i try to identify the root of the whole problem. and back to the same thing, inferiority complex. do i really have inferiority complex? hmm, all along i thought i am a very confident person. i mean i can be strong in front of so many pple, but inside do i really feel confident of myself? or do i just degrade myself, put myself below everyone else, thking i am the worst. err, thk i need to be reminded of self-worth. and i know it is not measured by all these things but by his act of love. ''you are precious'' says God. "you are fantastic as always,''she says. so why am i still telling myself that i can't make it.

why do i even care what others think about me all the time?

it's all in the mind. and i got to stop being ''sort'' or ''ting tong''.

the inner turbulence just goes on and on. i need to get it all out.